Interpersonal Relationships
Interpersonal relationships and these experiences can support a more profound inner growth. If we experience our relationships with others as “good,” they are fulfilling, they bring us joy, and they make us feel warm and content inside. For most people, this is short-lived. Then we experience a particular relationship or relationships with others as “bad,” unfulfilling, distressing, and often the other person is doing something to us. For example, we think and verbalize statements such as, “my kids are self-fish, my wife nags me all the time, my husband is not romantic enough, my boss is an asshole and picks on me, I don’t have any friends because they only think about themselves.” This list is endless.
If I were to define interpersonal relationships, most definitions would usually state between two or more interactions between people is ongoing and enduring. The continuous part means that it occurs in more than one encounter. Therefore, our relationships with people are those involved in our lives with frequent encounters. Interpersonal relationships are enduring, meaning that some degree of suffering occurs in the interaction, and this suffering elicits positive or negative emotions. Interpersonal relationships include family, romantic, friend, and professional relationships.
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Within our families, we learn different ways to communicate. First, we have unspoken rules and beliefs about communication. For example, some families will report the idea of “respect” as being an unspoken rule. However, when you try to tease out what this means, some find it difficult to articulate in words what “respect” is for them. We learn to manage fluctuating emotions that drive our behaviors and reactions in romantic relationships. Romantic relationships are intense and a point of distress for many. Then there are the friendships we share with others. Our friendships change depending on our age, social environments, and egotistical drives. We hope our friendships will bring us a sense of satisfaction and a place to vent about other relationships. Lastly, we have our professional associations in which we learn to communicate differently. We know more about the social rules and find ways to conform to these rules. Our professional relationships change over time, and fewer emotional vulnerabilities are associated with these relationships. This is why it is essential to seek a professional who can provide counseling and therapeutic support.
Why are Interpersonal Relationships Important?
For many, relationships with other fight loneliness, social isolation and are an emotional distraction. We seek out relationships to confirm our beliefs, find support, and avoid making a change. For example, A father struggling with his children may vent to the children’s mother in hopes of having her agree with his distress. A father may call his parents in hopes of having them agree with his beliefs. A father may talk with other fathers to connect and confirm that his children are the problem. Relationships can bring about feelings of closeness and social support. Relationships are a way to determine if there is compatibility between two people or within groups.
Interpersonal relationships support one’s ability to develop their communication skills. To learn ways to master verbal expression and find the words to articulate their experiences. An employee may struggle to communicate his/her needs to her boss. The employee wants to be promoted, and she wants to express to her boss that she is ready. The employee will demonstrate this through verbal conversations, emails, letters, and overall work performance. Communication pushes us in a way to express feelings, desires and needs to others.
Stage of Interpersonal Relationships
Research tells us there are five stages a relationship goes through. The beginning is when you first meet. You are getting to know the other person. The beginning stage is often referred to as acquainting yourself with someone else. Depending on the type of relationship, you may have an instant attraction or avoidance. Next follows the building-up stage in which the relationship grows. There is some hope that trust is being built. There is an exchange of stories and experiences. The building-up stage can flow nicely into the third stage of continuation. One may feel that the relationship has blossomed, and a move towards more commitments is explored. The fourth stage occurs in some relationships but not all relationships. Some relationships lack trust, compassion, forgiveness and move towards a deterioration period. The relationship changes, and individuals in the relationships have thoughts and behavioral responses towards ending the relationship. The last stage is usually when the relationship ends, the termination. Termination can happen abruptly or over years in which one or all the individuals feel this sense of dissatisfaction with the relationship.
Do you repeat your interpersonal relationship?
I shared some information that makes sense to many. However, no one really understands interpersonal relationships. There is some much distress and avoidance in these areas that we miss a crucial point in our growth. I tell others and firmly believe that interpersonal relationships teach us many things about ourselves, especially if we are willing to do the work – the work on how relationships with others can reveal severe unresolved issues within us. Let me give a few examples.
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Relationships we all tend to have are those with our parents or the people who raised us. These relationships include those adopted, raised in foster care, or lived in a community setting raised by many adults. The first relationships we experience as infants are with other adults. Those adults brought into our lives were either good enough or not. However, they gave us a foundation, and if we survive into adulthood, we will be given opportunities to learn. If patience and persistent enough, we will grow in a deeply meaningful and spiritual way.
The challenges we face in relationships with others are never about the other person. It is always about us. It is never about your kids being self-fish, your wife nagging, your husband not being romantic, your boss being an asshole, or your friends thinking only of themselves. All these relationships allow you to discover that deeper, compassionate, loving, and forging part of yourself. These relationships are trying to teach you something if you can listen patiently and sometimes with professional guidance.
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There were many times when I thought my middle-aged and teenage children were selfish. However, I learned many things about myself through these experiences. One example was when my son was failing math in 9th grade. I would put him on punishment and take something away, but my anger and frustration increased. It took some time to realize my struggles as a parent taught me a few things about myself. One that I had my own unresolved issues. I had to be a perfect parent. I was a social worker advising others about their children. There was a shame that I would experience if my clients knew my child was failing math class. My frustration was about my image. I had to acknowledge and work on understanding these thoughts and feelings.
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Another example I like to share with patients is their struggles with romantic relationships. A girlfriend or wife may complain that her boyfriend/husband is not romantic enough and she is no longer happy in the relationship. “My husband does not do much. We don’t even go on dates. I’m not happy.” I will explore what may be going on to experience that their boyfriend/husband is not romantic. Are you feeling lonely? Are you feeling unloved? Are you feeling unsatisfied with your life decisions? The relationship with your boyfriend/husband is trying to teach you that you need to do some deep inner work. To explore the idea that your boyfriend/husband is responsible for your loneliness, but in reality, it is the individual who is accountable for their feelings. Suppose you are experiencing loneliness; that is something going on with you. It is easier to blame someone else, but this does not lead to a resolution. A genuine solution means that you go within yourself.
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The pain fears and struggles with avoiding this profound inner work result in us repeating relationships. You may decide to break up with your boyfriend or divorce your husband, but the next relationship you get into will repeat the same patterns. Relationships are a way to resolve previous issues, but if we are unwilling to do the work, then the relationship patterns repeat, and only the faces change. Have you ever said to yourself why I date the same women/men repeatedly? This is why. You are stuck in repetition. The characters change in your life, and if you learn from these lessons, then you grow. If you don’t learn from these lessons, the repetitions continue, and you will continue to feel unsatisfied with interpersonal relationships.
I will leave this by saying, “it is never about the other. It is only about you?”